I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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