I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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