Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
