I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
