I'm gonna have a badass scar
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
