dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
