he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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