So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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