i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
