I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
