yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
