If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
