I think I died a long time ago.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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