I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
