My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
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