Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
