Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
