she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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