The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
