I got chris browned last night
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
