thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
