i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
