hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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