Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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