ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize