Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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