Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
