I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
