My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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