i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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