she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
