So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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