What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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