you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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