Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
