Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
