also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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