sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize