I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
don't judge my taste in strippers
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
