Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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