He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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