So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
