i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
