i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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