This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
