Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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