Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
