woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
