Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
