that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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