Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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