If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
