I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
