I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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