I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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